When I was younger, what people thought of me was very important, yet my actions didn't reflect my desire for affection or approval. 

I allowed myself to be used, thinking that sexual abuse was affection.

I guess when you are exploited as a five-year-old, your view of what real love and affection is very distorted.

Mine was indeed very distorted, and when darkness takes over your life, every angle becomes askew, and perceptions of what is "normal" or acceptable are far from true.

How does one know real love when all you've been given is a fake version of something you had no idea even existed to begin with?

After all, at what age do we begin to realize and understand what love is, just as we experience fear for the first time, or anger, envy, hunger, thirst...all of these senses and emotions develop at a different rate for each of us, depending on the surroundings we are exposed to and the things and people that we interact with.

If we are not exposed to what is good and acceptable, it is reasonable to assume that our perception of what is good and acceptable will be altered, so will our thoughts and actions as we grow and mature.

And what if those in your immediate circle continue to foster those misaligned perceptions of what is good and acceptable? 

The rest of the world becomes unknown territory in many aspects, creating a sense of confusion or denial of what reality is. You may feel lost, more alone than ever because you don't fit in with everyone else out there.

And of course, there are those people who have come from their own form of a distorted reality and will prey upon the ones just emerging, unable to discover any light that would banish the film of haze that covers truth, because that darkness works so very hard to keep the truth under wraps.

Can we expect good parenting from those who did not have good parents themselves? This is where the proverbial cycle begins. Can it end? " I won't be like my mom - or dad - "

As we age, we then discover that we have become what we swore would never happen.

I became that alcoholic I never wanted to be. I allowed myself to be used by men who didn’t love me, due to my misconceptions of what “love” was.

Most of my life was spent living in a perpetual state of inebriation, feeling “normal”, not knowing what “normal” really was.

It wasn’t until, well into my forties, my eyes were opened and life truly began.

Thinking back, I know that God’s timing is perfect. He chose that time in my life to open my eyes, knowing that once He did, I would never return to the life He pulled away from.

And I have not. Join me in this journey and learn what true love is all about. Learn what really living feels like. Subscribe to my YouTube channel for daily shorts and Bible verses to look up and study.

My story is revealed under the Life Before Jesus tab. You will notice that it is not made public. I have done this for a reason. If you opt in, I hope my story serves as a beacon of hope to anyone who has suffered at the hands of others and may still be suffering.